I am reflecting on my past few days visiting the memorials and museum dedicated to the lives lost and to the heroes who came to help during the 9/11 terrorist attacks.

Alan Jackson’s song asks, “where were you when the world stopped turning on that September day?”

I will never forget my drive to school that day. I lived in a farm house out of town and commuted about 20 minutes to campus. As I got on the interstate, there was an alert on the local radio station that I only noticed because it interrupted the music. A plane had crashed into a building in New York City. I found it strange and horrible for the people involved, but did not really understand why that was such news in the Midwest.

I parked and walked to class, but knew something was not right, even before I went into a building. Campus was not its normal buzz. I would soon see why. Everyone was circled around whatever television could be found. I watched in horror as the second plane hit. Our professors did not know what to do, so they sent us all home. I called work – I tutored for the athletic department – and was told not to come in, but to go home.

As I walked back to my car, I just wanted to talk to my mom. As we tried to sort out what was happening and what she heard on the larger Kansas City news, that is when I was really scared. My mom said that my little brother, who was 8 at the time, often saw war torn countries on the news. He would ask if that would ever happen here? To us? I will never forget my mom saying, “I don’t know what I am going to tell him tonight.”

Visiting the memorials and the museum today, I was reminded of how so many, many people’s lives changed on that day. How many moms and dads, sisters and brothers, and grandpas and grandmas never came home from work that day? How many heroes were created as firefighters, EMTs, and police officers were just doing what they do – serving and protecting? And how many regular people did all they could to help others get to safety, only to lose their lives trying to get one more from the wreckage?

September 11th is day we will never forget. Our students today celebrate it as Patriots Day, honoring those who serve our country and communities. We must all do what we can to educate our youth in what happened on this day, how it changed our lives, and why we cannot forget the price that continues to be paid for our freedom.

And on my return trip home, I will thank each TSA worker for the job they do continuing to keep us safe. The next time I stand in a line waiting to go through security, I remember 9/11 and what we now know, the evil that is in the world, upclose and personally, and that knowledge changes everything.

Do you ever think about your baggage?

How difficult it is to tote around? Always moving it from place to place.

And flooring like carpet or craters in the sidewalk make you wish you were a minimalist!

Why do I feel the need for all the baggage?

Can I blame it on my mother with all her warnings to be careful and take extra underwear?

Do I blame it on the fact that it is my first time on this kind of trip and am striving to be prepared for anything?

Do I take the blame myself knowing I cannot stand to be unprepared and really don’t like not knowing or being in control of what is coming?

Do I blame it on my past and not being able to let go of events which impacted my life?

Will I ever have an argument with my husband and not worry that it will lead to a divorce just like my parents?

Will I ever be able to take a compliment and not wonder what people really think that they won’t tell me?

Will I ever really let go of the fear of failure in order to try the unknown that could be my actual path to my happiest and most successful self?

No matter if it too much luggage or a backpack filled too full or if it is my heart and mind filled with the baggage of my past, it is time to get rid of my baggage. 

Today I found beauty in so many unexpected places:

In the man making sushi. He placed the various ingredients with such care and used his tools with precision. His art was a lunch for others to enjoy.

In the Statue of Liberty. I have always loved the idea of Lady Liberty, knowing my great-great grandparents immigrated from Germany. Today, I learned all of her history and that her beauty is so much more then her carefully sculpted copper skin. That she was a gift to signify friendship is amazing. Then there were so many ways that ‘the people’ made the pedestal and really brought her to the harbor. People working together truly is beautiful.

In the stories told from the bus guide. His heart for his city and the catch in his voice as he told his memories of 9/11. Passing by the memorial pools, tragedy has been turned to beauty.

In the perfect dish with handcrafted gnocchi and watching chefs craft the best food. And I am fairly certain my face was beautiful eating it!

It was the tile of the subway stop and the many incredible churches. Beauty is truly all around us if we just take a moment to enjoy it.

They realize bright lights don’t need spotlights.

This line from Bob Goff’s book,  Everybody Always, is just the latest line from this book that caused me to stop and think.

When we are focused on others’ opinions of us and striving to impress others through our good deeds or high accomplishments, we, more often than not, miss the point.

When we are really shining –  performing work that is meaningful, spending time with family and friends, or simply taking time to let someone else know you care – it won’t matter who is watching because it was never about those on the outside.

We forget to worry about who the credit will go to and just get the job done.

We stop spending all of our time in the office striving to make our boss proud and instead show up for those who are proud just to know you. 

We take the time to do what is right even if no one is looking.

This line makes even more sense as I sit in a NYC apartment overlooking the Hudson River with the lights of New York providing a magnificent twinkle. If each of those likes had a spotlight on it, it would just be obnoxious, and I would close the blinds.

Who needs to just experience your twinkle this week? Know that your light is enough even if you are the only one who knows it is shining today.

I have heard this phrase from others or thought this phrase myself so many times. . . .

When benching a player whose attitude was more detrimental to the team then her talent was useful.

When one son perceives his brother is receiving some special treatment or item that he is not getting at that same moment.

When I have 10 loads of laundry to do, and I haven’t even been home the previous week.

When a friend can’t get pregnant, and is one of the best moms I know.

When I see so many kids who are not treated well or are abused by their parents.

When I have to call the police because a child has not been picked up after our afterschool program and not a single person on the contact list can be reached.

When I have to tell a child that she won’t be going home, but that someone safe is coming to pick her up.

When the child blames herself for the trouble her mom is in.

When she says she doesn’t want to go back into foster care.

That she even understands the crazy system of foster care at her age.

Life is not fair.

When I chose the name of my blog – Be Real – it was not only a statement, but a challenge to myself to not be another ‘social media perfectionist’, only sharing the ‘perfect’ parts of my life. Instead, I want to be real about the challenges of being a wife, mother, educator, and the challenge to also just be me striving to accomplish other hopes and dreams outside of the roles I play for other people.

Today, however, the Dynamic Catholic Best Lent Ever reflection, https://dynamiccatholic.com/best-lent-ever/lenten-reflections-2019/the-great-pretenders, really socked me in the gut. The final question for the day, “When have you preferred pretending over living?”

That question is deep on so many levels. A couple I will share with you.

When my parents divorced when I was in junior high, I fulfilled the perfectionist role in the dysfunctional family. My mantra was

“Everything is fine. I get perfect grades. I am the president of clubs. I am the basketball star. I don’t know about those people. Oh, yeah, they are my parents, but I am just going to keep my distance from that crazy mess. That is not me. I am perfect. Just look at all my accomplishments.”

When you grow up pretending instead of living, it is a hard habit to break.

I think back over my 10 year marriage. How many times did I pretend nothing was wrong and instead felt the sadness/anger/hurt in silence? And if you actually live instead of pretend, people think you are crazy. You are not supposed to call each other out on something one of you is doing that is negatively impacting your marriage. That is counter-cultural. You are supposed to pretend. Everyone is more comfortable when you pretend – everyone except you.

What about as a mother? How many times did I pretend to laugh at the jokes about my boys being so close in age (11 months 1 week apart #nojudgment) and pretend like it was ‘just like having twins’?

It was not like having twins. One could not eat anything and the other constantly stuffed all kinds of crap in his mouth. For three years, I could never leave the two of them in a room alone without something happening. I struggled through, knowing that any day someone was going to call me out as a bad mother, simply because I could not keep up with work, two babies, and a husband who traveled all the time for work. I was comparing myself to many other moms, who I know now, were likely pretending. But I didn’t know that at the time. I just continued to put on the smiling face each day as I pulled on my superwoman costume, which I never actually fit.

When my third son came along just short of three years later, I wanted to stop pretending and live the life I was missing out on. One strategy I used to be present in different aspects of my life was by striving to separate my home/family life from my work life.

I would park my car when I got to work, and then sit there for several moments, trying to get over whatever crazy crap happened that morning with the boys.

At the end of the day, I would reverse my routine striving to leave behind whatever a wonderful coach had said, or the struggles of an upset teenagers, or fury of mad parents, which were all in a day’s work in my position as an athletic director. I did not want to pretend with my family, and I wanted to give them my best, not just want was left over.

As I pulled up to the daycare, I would remind myself that these boys only get one mom and that is me. I am not going to handle everything perfectly, but there are perfect moments like when they all come running to me the second I come in the door, one in my arms and the other two wrapped around each leg – now that is living.

There are still times that I pretend more than I live, and that reflection today, really brought up some memories – some not so great but also some of the best.

It also made me recommit.

I will strive to ‘actually live an interesting life instead of pretending to be interesting.’

I want to live up to my blog name.

I want to be real.

I am basing this off of what I learned/was reminded of at church, but even if share other beliefs, temptations are real!

The gospel reading for the first Sunday in Lent is always the same because we need to hear it each year – Jesus going to the desert for 40 days and being tempted by Satan. This reading and the homily that followed really made me think about what tempts me. Enjoy my list and add your own temptations in the comments.

• Peanut butter M&Ms – if you can eat just one, you must be super-human.
• The urge to cuss to make my point when I am mad – I was never a cusser, until I married into a family of cussers (or at least that is who I am blaming it on). I am using Lent as a fresh start to stop this bad habit that I hear my boys also doing (YIKES!) when they don’t think I can hear them. A cusser is just not who I want to be.
• Staying up late, binge watching The Closer, Suits, Project Runway, or whatever other series I currently have on the DVR. I am a night owl by tendency and must force myself to go to sleep at a decent bedtime. This is a ridiculous temptation when I know I will pay for the lack of sleep later in the week.
• Taking out my lack of sleep on my family – this is when the tailspin occurs. I am tempted to yell at my boys and get mad at my husband about events that otherwise would not typically bother me – dirty clothes not in the hamper, middle son taking F-O-R-E-V-E-R to get ready in the morning, finding recycling items in the regular trash (I mean come on people!). I know deep down these frustrations are occurring due to my lack of sleep, but I am tempted to take it out on someone else.
• To make excuses – I am tempted to make excuses to tell the person all my reasons why my action or lack thereof is justified and therefore, why I should NOT be held accountable. Almost always, I regret giving into this temptation. Making excuses is not the person that I am. I am the kind of person who owns up to mistakes made or opportunities missed. I am the kind of person who learns from failure and strives not to repeat it. I am not an excuse maker.
• To judge people – This is so easy to give into, especially when you are in conversations (I think we call it gossip) about someone and then I am tempted to also give my two cents. That is the easy road. It is much harder to say that I do not know the entire situation, but that we all likely need to pray for the situation and do want we can to support our friend. It is so tempting to just chime in with what I heard! But again, I never feel great when I choose door number one – gossiping.
• To spend more time at work because that is where I feel the most success – I just got real. This temptation I have struggled with my entire life. I continue to work on my life blend and understand more each day how fleeting this life is. My boys only have one mom and my husband only one wife (fairly certain of this) and they deserve my best – not the whatever is left after I give my best to those at work. I was convicted of this when one of my sons told me I was so much more fun at school and must like other kids more than him. He was being dramatic at the time and of course, I told him he was more fun at school as well, but the comment hit me right in the guilt box (it is located in about the same place as your heart, and many of our loved ones seem to know exactly what to say to open it). I really had to examine my schedule and make some changes to give my family my best times as well and the temptation is there each night as I strive to get just one more item off my list or send one more email. Stop the temptation by setting the time you will leave and then do it. Do not bring work home with you. It will only tempt you to shorten your family time even more.

So what tempts you?

I have always loved living in small towns. I was reminded of many of those reasons again last night as we attended our local FFA’s fish fry fundraiser.

• Thousands of dollars were raised to provide youth opportunities they may not otherwise have.
• There were also thousands of laughs as the local auctioneer/comedian was at his best.
• We see many volunteers provide hours of labor with nothing in return, but a thank you.
• There were many younger kids sitting on the laps of their relatives taking it all in and thinking about the day they will be in the blue and gold official dress.
• My boys got to see their babysitter from their youth and the love continues to flow both ways.

Just a few of the reasons I love my small town!

When did you notice your kids growing up?

Is it that first sign they are now aware they need to wear deodorant because it is not always funny when they smell? Don’t all moms love the smell of AXE throughout the house in the morning!

Maybe we see it in their wardrobe as they ask if something matches and don’t just wear comfy pants to school?

Is it when they start to report hair growth in the ‘most unusual places’?

Or is it when they start to ask ‘serious questions’ about how you knew when Dad was the guy to marry?

They still have a ways to go, but there is no denying, they are starting to grow up.

If you are a mom, you have likely had a day when your lovely children seemed more like something possessed. They are fighting with each other, the dog, or anything else within reach. And for me, this kind of day is also the day when I have to go somewhere public – grocery store, ball game, gas station, church.

There have been more than one of these days when my typically sweet and loving boys really cause a scene – have you been there? And have you had the well-meaning, but naive woman say something like, ‘ you are going to miss this.’ IS SHE CRAZY????

I will miss snuggling and random hugs. I will miss those times when they show pure brotherly love. I will miss our jam sessions to Soul on Fire and Yellow Rose of Texas and Picture (Kid Rock/Sheryl Crow), yes, my boys are great djs.

I will never, ever miss wrappers of all kinds all over and unidentifiable food substance that I pull from under their bed. I will not miss finding dirty clothes and other mystery items in their closets. Nor will I miss begging for ridiculous items in a checkout line. Or the times when they absolutely lose their minds in the middle of the store shouting out their injustices and how unfair and terrible their lives are – and on a really good day how terrible their mom really is!

So, thank you well-meaning lady. I know you are really telling me to focus on the positive of the healthy, energetic boys that I have. I know you see my boys, and you remember your own babies, who may not be babies any more. But I think over time, you either blocked out those crazy days or have become crazy because of them. So the next time you see me and my boys are riding the crazy train , just smile and give that knowing mom look – not of pity, only pure understanding.